The gnawing of irritation has gotten louder and louder these past weeks. Is it the heat? Is it a sign that I am going through a transformation of sorts, a metamorphosis? Is this what it feels like when the butterfly is about to escape the cocoon? We don’t always have answers. In fact, I find that I have less answers than I do questions. Is that why the constant nag of discontent and discomfort?
Truthfully this feeling is not new, it’s just that the volume has turned up. When I look back over my own life story it is filled with big sweeping brush strokes of discomfort and confused seeking. So many days spent in endless mind chatter that says “not enough!”. I’m not enough. What I have is not enough. What I do is not enough. What I want is not enough. And on the story goes.
As a result I have spent endless hours trying to make it enough. Working harder, taking on more jobs, spending the time others don’t want to spend. The list of things I have experimented with to make the fire breathing thoughts go away is almost as long as the Milky Way itself. Of course this is an exaggeration, but so is the size of this make believe dragon in my mind. So I do my best to use the tools that I know will help to at least cool the flames. Yoga practice, meditation, walking, writing, thinking positive thoughts, eating well, resting, drinking lots of water, super foods, massage, acupuncture, more rest, less substances, thinking more happy thoughts, trusting, trusting, trusting.
All these years later and I still feel like I did when I was a teenager unable to control the emotional upheaval of hormones gone wild. I never really feel like using the skills I have taken years to afire to help cool the flames. What I really feel like doing is screaming at the top of my lungs, pulling my hair out, and then crying into the early morning. But I’m not a teenager anymore, and I know that such hysterics won’t quiet my mind in fact they would be like throwing more fuel onto the flames.
As a remedy I remind myself to be patient. When I want to yell at the drivers I deem as bad, I remind myself to be patient. When I start to get on my own case about not being enough I remind myself to be patient. When I feel like laying around and my body tells me it is too tired to get on the mat I remind myself to be patient. When I start to dismiss myself because my discipline is waining, or my work is impeding my creative efforts I remind myself to be patient. Sometimes I think that the gnawing of irritation may in fact never go away. Not with the heat of the summer, the transformation of the thoughts, the discipline of the practices, it may never go away at all. Not at least until I am dead. And so patience is the only remedy I know.
It is with patience that I can put one step in front of the other, slow down, do what I can right now, and experience relief, even if it is ever so slight. And with patience I find that there is truth in the statement “the point of power is right now”. Right now, I am enough, irritation and all. Right now I can experience peace in the midst of the discomfort and discontent, without having to wash it away. Right now I accept that there may never be an answer more than be patient right now, and these words are medicine fanning a cool breeze over my weary heart.
Right now, with love, always, for giving,